Author must write anonymously because of concern that she would lose her job in a part of Utah where discrimination in the work-place is not illegal.
I’ve heard it said that the LDS church doesn’t require anything more from gay people than it does for single heterosexual people: celibacy. I’ve also heard the counter-argument—that celibacy is harder for gay people because they have no hope whatsoever for a sexual relationship with a committed spouse.
This is certainly true. But it is so much more than that. If you are a gay person living in a community (the church) that tells you that you must suppress your sexuality for the sake of that community, it doesn’t just make physical and romantic relationships harder—it affects all of your relationships and makes them harder too.
I will try to relate some of my experiences in order to illustrate this. When I was at BYU I fell in love with my roommate. We were best friends who became something more. We had a brief physical relationship (which was so tame that if we had been an opposite gender couple we wouldn’t have even had to confess to the bishop) but agreed to break it off because we wanted to stay in the church. She left on a mission soon thereafter and I stayed at BYU. I was heartbroken and alone, and because I couldn’t tell anyone what had happened without fear of getting kicked out of school, I swallowed my emotions and began a long journey down the path of repression.
The biggest lesson that I learned from this experience was that friendships with women were dangerous. I couldn’t risk falling for another friend and experiencing that pain over and over again. But in an LDS culture, who else was I supposed to develop friendships with? There were wonderful women surrounding me all the time—roommates, Relief Society sisters, neighbors, and co-workers. But I carefully walled myself off from them so that I wouldn’t be tempted. So that I could continue to be a part of the church. I couldn’t be friends with men either (whether married or single), because I couldn’t risk them thinking that I was hoping for romance. All church activities for singles focused on meeting suitable marriage partners—something I knew wouldn’t happen for me—so I didn’t go. So not only did I have no romantic relationships, I had no friends, either. This went on for the better part of two decades before I finally began to accept myself as a gay person and decided that I wanted to create relationships of all kinds with the people around me.
Now, I don’t want this to be a “woe-is-me” type of story. I recognize that my experiences as a gay Mormon have been much less traumatic than some others. But this inability to create friendships really did handicap me in many ways and it kept me from growing as a person. It made me lonely and bitter, and completely unaware of the good that I have to offer. I often went for days at a time without speaking to anyone besides cashiers at the grocery store or fast food restaurants. Weeks passed without any purposeful touch from another human being. And, perhaps worst of all, I had no self worth. I actually tried to limit human contact because I believed that no one should be inflicted with my presence. But still, I was one of the lucky ones. I only contemplated suicide, and never attempted it.
For the past few months I have been dating a woman. And I’ve learned more about myself and about relationships than I have since adolescence. A whole new world has been opened up to me, and it has nothing to do with sex. It’s about how to let someone into your life. It’s frightening and difficult, and sometimes I worry that spending nearly twenty years virtually alone hasn’t damaged me beyond repair. I don’t know if my story will have the happy ending that some on this blog have had (although my amazing girlfriend assures me that I’m doing just fine).
Is this so-called best-case scenario really what the church wants for people? A life of fleeting and superficial relationships, damaged self-esteem, and utter loneliness? Or the chance to become a better person by making a commitment to another human being?
I have absolutely no regrets about deciding to try to build a relationship with my girlfriend. My family may disapprove, and I may face disciplinary action at some time in the future. But no matter what happens, it will be worth it. My time in this relationship is more precious to me than any other life experiences that I’ve had so far and I’m grateful for every day that I get to spend with my girlfriend. But despite remaining an active LDS member, I may never get over the fact that the church expects me to forgo this opportunity. Celibacy for gay members creates socially and spiritually disabled people and the church needs to find a solution to this. So that today’s gay youth don’t have to become the bitter, lonely person that I once was.
Celibacy is expected whether you are hetero. or have same sex attraction. That commandment is across the board for all people. This writing sounds to me like the writer is justifying a sexual relationship. Do Same-Sex attracted people have higher hormones, or an increased desire for sex? or is it that Gay people feel that the only way to manifest their sexuality is through the act of sex?
Celibacy or chastity? I don’t recall ever committing to celibacy as a heterosexual Mormon. There is a clear distinction: hope and love, as the writer demonstrated through her own experience. Celibacy is the condemnation and loss of both. Single adults who have never married have lived with hope and no restrictions on who they can love.
wow. that is so true. Heterosexuals commit to chastity. Homosexuals must commit to celibacy. Completely different approach, completely different outcome, completely different interpretation by others…
EteU Spencer:
Sometimes the only way that change can happen is for people to justify their decisions publicly, so that others who have never been in a particular situation can try to understand why there is a need for a change in the first place. So I understand your comment, but I also do not apologize for my post or for my relationship with my girlfriend.
You ask if gay people feel that the only way to manifest their sexuality is through the act of sex. No, that is certainly not true. But the fact is, within the LDS church at this time, there is no accepted way to manifest homosexuality. Something as tame as hand-holding or even a date with a person of the same gender would be seen as violating the law of chastity. So there is certainly a discrepancy between what is expected of heterosexual people and homosexual people. But the larger point that I tried to make in this post (but clearly did not do well) is that by taking away the possibility of a sexual relationship for gay people, ALL relationships are affected. It’s not just that gay people have to go through life without a partner, it’s that it’s harder to develop or maintain ANY relationship because of the effects that repression has on your psyche, outlook on life, and self-esteem.
On the contrary, I think you did a splendid job of explaining the isolation you felt and that the commitment to celibacy did affect all your relationships.
I agree. You did a great job! I cannot imagine facing what you did.
I also have a gay son who realized he could not survive his entire life alone, and made the extremely difficult choice to enter the dating world, where he subsequently found a wonderful partner and is building a life, learning about sacrifice, giving and loving–as well as the receiving of those things. I believe the Lord is with him and helping him every step of the way.
I believe the Lord will ” fill the gap” for those who are faced with either difficult choice: to live life alone in order to choose “that better part” of harmony with the church–or to painfully and prayerfully choose to leave the church in order to have “that better part” of loving and sacrificing for the benefit of another human being in the only relationship we are told causes us to grow enough to become a god…
I will not judge harshly those who must choose between them.
Spencer, although the church expects celibacy for all unmarried people, heterosexual people have an expectation that they will eventually get married, have all the sex they want, and reach the celestial kingdom as a couple. All of that is deprived to gays. They have no hope of intimacy, love or sexual fulfillment if they want to stay active in the church. Ever.
Excellent perspective, but I think it’s important not to conflate celibacy with chastity — which too many do in the church. Chastity still holds out hope for the future; all of us, gay and straight, covenant in the church to keep the law of chastity. Celibacy on the other hand is the hopeless resolution of a life without intimacy. In every other context, church leaders condemn the practice of celibacy as unnatural. Why asking anyone to live their entire lives celibate, as your story so well illustrates, is utterly wrong, contrary to nature, contrary to being fully human.
I don’t agree. The Law of Chastity is spelled out clearly in the temple, as being ‘no sexual intercourse except with your husband or wife to whom you are legally and lawfully wedded.” (at least, that’s what it used to say when I was a regular temple-goer.) So, for a gay person who wishes to be a faithful Church member, just as for a single woman like myself, celibacy is required to live the Law of Chastity. And since, in most states, same-sex couples cannot be “legally and lawfully wedded,” a lifetime of celibacy is probably the outcome of being gay and faithful in the Church.
There are plenty of gay mormons who are legally married, including myself. There are plenty of Bishops and Stake Presidents who would ex-communicate me for that alone, regardless of whether we are actually having sexual relation.
For a heterosexual person, living the law of chastity means no sex until marriage. For a homosexual person, living the law of chastity means no sex ever because there can be no marriage. So I guess what I tried to say in this post is that gay people should be allowed to marry. Then, they should be held to the same standard as anyone else.
I completely agree with you. I think that chastity before marriage and fidelity after marriage, for gay and straight couples, is fair and right. We should level the playing field and not have all these double standards.
i also agree. i wished my son could have had role models of men who found other LDS men, married and go forward like any heterosexual couple. It would give our young teens an attainable goal, and a reason to continue in chastity without giving up in despair. They may not find a partner right away, but they could hold out hope, just as their heterosexual counterparts…
Such good insights. I hope that this can be communicated to priesthood leaders and others in positions of influence. All the best to you on this journey.
Thank you for your kind words and your support, Anna.
Thanks for making your voice heard in some way, my boyfriend and I will have been together for three months next week and we are having to make the same kind of decisions that you are having to with your girlfriend love and light to you both.
I wonder how this is dealt with in states with marriage equality (MA, CT, etc). Because, although the marriages aren’t temple-ordained, a gay couple can be legally married. And the church talks about upholding the law of man, right? (< non-mo' speaking so forgive me if I'm wrong). Would a bishop/ward "demand" or "enforce" celibacy in the case of legal marriage?
Single heterosexuals in the church are free to date, hold hands, kiss, go to dances, sit in church with their arms around each other, etc., and everyone smiles and nods their approval. Just try doing the same as a gay person. Gay people are NOT allowed the same expressions of chaste intimacy that heterosexuals are. BYU specifically prohibits any type of such behavior between people of the same sex. The church very clearly has different requirements for gays.
i don’t understand how anyone can think they are held to the same level of sacrifice!
Until the leaders of the Church find a way, through prophecy or whatever, to encourage marriage, accept gay couple as any other.. There will be problems. Expecting a human to be celibate for life is damaging not only to the person, but society as a whole. One only look to the problems facing the catholic church to understand this.
bless your heart -and- your relationship.
Part of my own journey included the questions:
If a gay man wants to remain a member of the church and follow church teachings, who should he live with? It probably isn’t wise and doesn’t fit with church teachings for him to live with a man… and probably wouldn’t be allowed to live with a woman… so, even if he chose to live a life of celibacy, it’s way, way more than that.
Just like the author of this post said… It’s a life committed to loneliness. A life without close intimate friends. A life denying a huge part of yourself. I just think that most heterosexual people don’t consider (or even think about) what they are really telling homosexual people to do. They don’t even know what they are really asking of them. That makes me sad.
I hope that as people read your story, it will help them understand better. Thank you for sharing!!! And I wish you the best of luck and happy thoughts in your relationship with your girlfriend.
The experience you’ve shared here is very consistent with the research of Dehlin et al. on gay and lesbian Mormons, that looks at overall health, happiness and well being of gay Mormons based on marital status.
The Dehlin study found that those who are alone in life experience pain and isolation comparable to soldiers suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder. Whether you are gay or straight, it is painful to be single and Mormon.
I have had close friends in the Church who were straight and single. I’ve listened to them confide in me how absolutely, unbearably painful it was to be alone in life. A few years ago, one of these friends was blessed to be able to marry, and I was delighted to see his life transform in every way for the better.
I would hope that my straight friends in the Church would have similar empathy for me and other gay and lesbian people in the Church… That they would rejoice for those of us who are blessed enough not to have to go it alone in life, and that they would hope and pray for those of us who are alone not to have to suffer in loneliness for the rest of our lives.
i pray for those in this situation to feel God’s guidance and strength giving courage to move forward with faith that He will fill the gap–whether in finding someone to share their life, or to live alone with God as their companion until such a time comes…just as heterosexuals must do–and that they might know the path God has for them could be individually different than what the church might lay out. ‘en masse’…
You are an amazing person, Anonymous. I send you all the love and support in the world.
Those are really good points that most people don’t think about. Good luck with everything! I hope you know that you are loved, and regardless of what members may think or say, Heavely Father understands your situation, and knows your heart. Here is another very interesting perspective from someone in your situation: http://www.joshweed.com/2012/06/club-unicorn-in-which-i-come-out-of.html?m=1 obviously it’s not for everyone, but it’s interesting.
Anonymous – Here’s a link to Josh Weed’s talk at Circling the Wagons, where he emphatically discourages people from using his story as an example…
http://circlingthewagons.org/josh-weed-SLC-2012.php
I’m gay, currently attending BYU-Idaho and this article blip made me cry. I have just finished watching conference and I have never felt more confused, lost and alone than I ever had other than on my mission (which I set out to “cure” myself- which didn’t work) in my life.
I also just finished a round of tears over accepting that I would have to remain celibate the rest of my life. But how can that ever be good for anybody? Would God really do that to me because of these feelings that I feel, he gave to me? I just want a family, to be a father,have a husband and have kids and to be happy. Am I a sinner for wanting that? According to the church, I am. And that just makes me even more confused. This can’t be right.
Can’t be right as that can’t be Gods plan for me. There has got to be more to this. The only thing I can do is to be as happy as I can. I believe God will understand and sure, he will judge me accordingly, but I don’t think, given the circumstances, it’ll be as harsh or damning as others believe it to be.
I just wish more than ever that I could be sealed to the love of my life and to the children we would adopt.
Mason, I really hope you will consider the experience that Randall Thacker and John Gustav-Wrathall have had. They have managed to come to terms with their strong belief that God wants them to be faithful to their husbands and wants them to stay active in the church. What is most important however is that they describe an experience that by asking God, he really confirmed with them by personal revelation that he is happy with their choices. There are so many others that describe a similar divine intervention when they asked God, that it is easy for me to encourage you to do the same. Listen to your inner voice. Listen to God. You have to do it with an open heart. You also have to do it in a spirit of compassion and love for yourself. If you hang on too strongly to negative thoughts about yourself and about your homosexuality, then you won’t be open to God’s answer. You have to ask with total openness to God’s will, or he can’t give you an answer. If you listen to my podcast, GayMormonStories.org, you can hear several people actually describe this experience including Berta Marquez, John Gustav-Wrathall, and another one to be released in the next few days, David Baker. They all describe this experience, and Carol Lynn Pearson also talks about it in The Hero’s Journey. She describes this in episode 1 of the same podcast. Furthermore, I strongly encourage you to consider her counsels about being a gay mormon. She has inspired so many of us. God wants you to be happy. You have the right to a personal answer to this question. Nobody can fault you for following your conscience if you get a different answer than you expected (although some will try).
Thank you for the reply. I have felt so much peace and the worry and pain that I have been feeling all night has gone away. Seeing your podcast/web has put a smile on my face and it is comforting to see. I look forward to finding and reading Randall Thacker and John Gustav-Wrathall’s stories. Thank you so much. You are an answer to my desperate prayers.
i have a gay son who was in your shoes. it was so difficult for him to make the choice to begin searching for a partner, but after a few hard years he is so happy. We love his partner and look forward to the time they can legally commit to each other, whatever form that may take…
At this time in history, you could even try to maintain the ideals of ‘chastity before marriage’, depending on where you live!